James Potter is a Hax0r
by TuesdayNovember
Summary: For the 'mutual break ups' challenge at xoxLewrahxox's forum. James Potter and Andromeda Black end their relationship over James's inability to be a normally functioning human being. Oneshot, crackfic.


**Written for Arashi (Rain Sky)'s 'mutal break ups/unusual pairing' challenge at xoxLewrahxox's forum.**

**Prompt: **write about two characters ending their relationship but remaining friendly afterward. You will also be picking a number from 1 to 50. Each number corresponds with a randomly generated crack-pairing. Keep it under 2000 [words]. You're super epic if you make it 1337, however.

**My pairing was James Potter and Andromeda Black.**

**Unfortunately it's not 1337 words, but I did use 1337 words, so ... I guess that should count for something? Maybe?**

**This is, in case the title contained any uncertainty, absolute crack. Disregard the blantantly anachronistic nature of, well, all of this, actually.**

* * *

In the summer before his fifth year, James Potter went through a phase.

"I am a hax0r!1" he cried.

His girlfriend, Andromeda Black, looked up from her favourite vampire romance novel. "I beg your pardon?"

"Hax0r!" he repeated. "I am t3h 1337 hax0r!1!"

She started at him blankly. He was seated on a large rock in the moors surrounding Black Manor, brandishing a piece of parchment triumphantly.

"James," she said, getting up from her place on a blanket and inching towards him nervously, "I think you might be sick. You're not making any sense at all. Let me feel your head."

"Make me a sammich, woman!"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"A sammich!" he bellowed.

She watched him uncertainly. "Have you taken anything recently, James? I know I don't agree with you when you do that, but if you have, I think it's really important that you tell me right now, and I promise I won't get mad at you."

"Look at this," he said, waving the parchment in her face.

She looked at it. "It's just a blank piece of parchment."

"That's where you're wrong!" He swished his wand over the page, and words began to bloom into existence. "This is something I stole from Snivellus's Potions textbook at the end of last term," he said, "and at first it was just a blank parchment … but now, it's not!"

Andromeda said nothing for a moment, as she was too appalled by her boyfriend's seemingly unending stupidity, until finally she said, "So you wrote on it."

"No! Don't be stupid, I'm not a writer, I'm a hax0r!1"

"James, I really don't—" she stopped.

He had begun tapping at the parchment with his wand, mumbling a stream of incoherence which Andromeda vaguely interpreted as, "5niv311u5 i5 5uch 4 n00b, I'11 pwn him 50 h4rd."

She had had enough. James didn't even look up as she turned and fled, rushing up to the Manor shouting, "Mum! Mum!"

She flung the doors open, still shouting for her mother, but Bellatrix answered her instead. "Mum's gone out. What are you shrieking about?"

"Bella, it's James. I don't know what's happening to him, but he's acting absolutely crackers!"

"What's he doing? More of that bloody Gryffindor stuff? I know he's Sirus's friend but you really shouldn't assume that all Gryffindors are good just because Sirius is one."

"It's not that, Bella. It's …" she hesitated. "I don't even know how to explain but it's like he's talking in numbers! And none of it makes any sense. Oh Bella, I think he might be going mad!"

"Typical Gryffindor," she said, sneering. "You don't want to be attached to a boy like that, trust me. Break up with him now, before it gets any worse."

"Are … are you sure I should?"

"Yes. Is he still out on the moors? Do it right now."

Andromeda shrugged. "Well, okay. But I've never broken up with anyone before. What should I do?"

"You just have to tell him you don't want to be with him anymore, that's all. Your nose is always in a book, haven't you read about people breaking up before?"

She sighed. "Alright, I'll go do that. Thank you, Bella. You always have the best advice."

Bellatrix smirked, and Andromeda left the foyer, walking slowly back down to where her soon-to-be-ex boyfriend was still seated, glaring intensely at the parchment.

"James," she said, trying to sound the way she had read heroines sounding – tender, compassionate, sweet; she only wished she could muster a few tears to shine in her eyes, and oh, if only the sun were shining at her back, to give her an angelic glow!

He looked up.

"James, I'm afraid we can't do this anymore. I'm so sorry, but we're simply not meant to be together." She tried to muster a single tear to roll down her cheek, but alas, nothing would come.

He shrugged. "0k4y. H4xing i5 my mi5tr355 n0w."

Andromeda drew a heavy breath. "I feel good about this. It's been nice knowing you, James."

He grunted, as he had returned to poking at the parchment and was no longer paying attention to her.

"James?"

Another grunt.

"You should leave now."

* * *

**Thoughts?**


End file.
